Tuesday, December 2, 2008

A Thanksgiving Story


I'd like to share a little story about this fantasy basketball league I'm in, and some events that transpired over the holiday. For T-giving, I was at my grandparents house with my youngest bro (co-manager of the team "Whoop That Trick") and my younger bro, one part of the "Memphis Vagina Jihad" duo, which is currently in first place.

We had been talking about picking up Eric Gordon privately for a while, and he had 2 blowup games over the week. Surprisingly, he hadn't been picked up (I think due to the holiday), and we decided we were going to get him. Obviously, there's only one comp in the house, and as we went in there, who was just logging onto ESPN.com but Vagina Jihad himself!

We sat in silence as he navigated to the Fantasy Basketball page, where Eric Gordon was featured in a pickups article. Trying to throw him off the scent, I mentioned that he had been a disappointment so far. My co-manager and younger bro made a comment that went something like "yeah, didn't he come straight out of high school." Unswayed, my younger brother continued his holy war on the female organ by clicking on the link and beginning to peruse the article.

At this point, I sprang into action. I couldn't take it anymore. Standing behind the computer chair where he was sitting with his back to me, I felt a rush of adrenaline. In a Herculean burst of strength, I grabbed him and suplexed (shout out to Guile) him backwards onto the bed behind me. Despite the fact that the kid has 30 pounds of muscle on me, I gamely held him down while my co-manager sprang to pick up Gordon.

After about 30 seconds of struggle, though, my strength waned against the raging beast. Temporarily shaking free of my grip, Osama bin Vagina thundered over to the computer and swept his 15-year old brother to the side with one arm, as if he were a small sapling blocking his way to the Thanksgiving table. As I recovered my strength to mount another attack, he signed Whoop out and signed himself in.

But lo! From depths deep within me, I felt the strength of my ancestors coursing through my veins, compelling me to do battle once again and penultimately vanquish their less worthy descendant. Staggering to my feet, in one motion I removed and whipped my belt against the index finger of Ahmed al-Vagina, just as he was about to make the final click and pick up Eric Gordon, the savior of our season.

"OSSSSAAMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAA" I yelled

"What?" he responded

"Umm....nevermind. Come get some," I definitively answered.

With my youngest bro writhing in the corner, his arm shattered, the glint in Alotta Jihad's eye turned bloodshot, and he prepared to finish me off so that he could make the pickup. He made a sudden, mad dash at me, but underestimated my quickness and guile.

Keanu-Reeves like, I Matrix-walked around him using the sidewall and my staff, and in one motion jumped onto his massive shoulders, 6 feet off the ground. Balancing myself against the brute's girdth, I ignored the 150 pound advantage he had on my and conentrated in applying the rear naked choke.

He thrashed about like nothing I have ever seen, nearly bringing the entire house down!! But I held on. He threw his giant head this way and that, expelling gutteral screams that could not have come from a creature of this world. But I held on. He smashed me up against all four stone walls of the room for what seemed like an eternity. But finally, he succumbed to the lack of oxygen. Shattered, Whoop That Trick collectively dragged our bruised, broken bodies over to the computer, and the rest is history.


The End


P.S. Eric Gordon is available for scoring big men that are SF/PF eligible.

1 comment:

Jbarzel said...
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